Something more.

Is it crazy to think that my misery and all other emotions attached to my current struggles in my job are a call to something else? Something more? Something that hasnt been revealed to me yet.

I just dont know. And that absolutely bothers me to no end, and I know that God knows that. 

I am so worn. I have no energy to put forth. And I weigh of the side of depression. I feel so stuck, like Im in a sea of uncertainty and I'm drowning. My soul is dried up, I'm empty.

One thing is for sure though: I will not give up on my Savior. Daily I am undeserving of His love. Yet, even through my sin and struggles He is here. I just know it. And I have faith that whatever it is that He isnt letting me in on He is working on it, and He will make Himself great. 

I dont understand any of this. Yes, I have struggled with confidence and a negative image of myself as far back as I can remember. But I have not ever felt as down and dreadful as I have over the last 8 months, or even 3-4 weeks. 

Jealousy wrecks havoc on me as I see so many of my close friends loving and enjoying what they do. They look forward to work. They love planning for and going out of their way to prepare themselves for their tasks. Come on, people, lets get real here. I am not the only person with these feelings and thoughts, even though Satan is telling me that I am. Satan just wants me to be alone. He just wants me to isolate myself because He knows: "For where two or three have gathered together in My name, I am there in their midst" Matthew 18:20

Jesus, how do I go on? I will continue to go on. Please make my heart sensitive, my eyes to see, and my ears to hear the leadings of your Spirit. My faith is in You, Christ. Nothing is too big or too small. 

Relationships.

We were made for them. 

I am immeasurably blessed by the relationships that I have in my life. I often get caught up in what is or is not going on in my life that I forget to stop and think about the good things that the Lord has kindly blessed me with.

Satan uses isolation in my life to keep me from reaching out to others. Blinded by my insecurities, fear sinks in and tells me that I am alone, and that there is obviously something wrong with me. But my David spoke in opposition to that, "For you formed my inward parts; You wove me in my mother's womb." Psalm 139:13

We all struggle with something. No one struggle greater than the other. Yet, we often stay secluded in our hardships. But its so sweet, when we open up and reach out to those around us. We find out that we aren't alone. That the people whom we thought were "perfect", actually struggle with the same things as us. It's a sweet, sweet moment to be able to connect with someone on a deeper level. To know that we aren't alone.

I am so thankful for the relationships that the Lord has blessed with me. To know that I can reach out to them in my sadness, anger, and confusion is encouraging. 

The Unexpected

I don't know what God is doing.

Does that bother you? It definitely bothers me. My life is a roller coaster. My emotions are a roller coaster. My roller coaster has several high peaks, several low valleys, some sudden twists and turns, and absolutely a few upside down turns. 

The unexpected happened today. As I look back on the events of the day, I can see that only Christ ordained each of my steps. 

I car pooled to the last day of the conference with my new co-worker. She is very insightful, and has so many strengths. Her story is amazing! If you know me, you know that I am a very open person and I'll pretty much talk about anything. However, one thing I struggle with talking about is myself. I'm afraid to tell people about my story and my life for several reasons, one being that I'm afraid that they will use it against me. Another reason is that a lot of times I don't think that things that I've dealt with are important. Worse things have happened to other people and I don't want to waste their time talking about myself. But this co-worker of mine got me talking. She was interested in what made me who I am today...she got me to open up. 

Throughout our talking I came to understand that she is currently not attending a church, as she chose to turn away due to certain events in her life. Through sharing with her parts of my story, I was able to share Christ with her. Christ deserves all the credit for my life, for each accomplishment, for all the beauty that has come from the ashes. Christ saved me from a life that was just before my eyes, so easily accessible. Those moments of sharing Christ with her were intense because I hadn't ever really done that before. But those moments were also sweet, to hear myself talking about my Savior, to be sharing the love and grace of my Father and knowing that He was being glorified in my words. 

As I went over the day's schedule in my head, my anxiety level rose. I had to be in Norman by 8:30am until 12:30pm, get back to Shawnee to drive out to Stroud by 3pm, then back to Mcloud for a meeting at 5pm with a very busy DHS worker that could only attend our meeting for a very short period of time, and then pre-marital counseling at 6:30pm in Shawnee. I chose not to worry this morning, because I believed that my day was in Christ's hands. That doesn't mean I didn't worry, only that when I did I chose to remember that He is in control.

The Lord made my paths straight and He secured me in His protection. The conference was over an hour and a half early. Pre-marital counseling was cancelled. I made it to the Stroud meeting on time and because of some unfortunate events we ended up leaving early. I got to Mcloud a bit early, and although the DHS worker was around 40 minutes late we had a great meeting and he was able to stay much longer than expected. 

My day was divinely ordained.

Sweet Jesus, thank you.

No, I don't know what Jesus is doing. Yes, that bothers me. But each day I want to put my trust in Him, that He will guide me so that He may be made great. "The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing. He makes me lie down in green pastures, He leads me beside quiet waters, He refreshes my soul. He guides me along the right paths for His name's sake. Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for You are with me; Your rod and your staff, they comfort me." Psalm 23: 1-4

Sweet reminders from the Lord.

Do what makes you happy

What makes me happy? 

Boy, that is a hard question! As I said in my previous post, working with the children at the Boys and Girls Club made me happy. Children make me happy because they are lively, random, and I love doing crazy things with them. Another thing that makes me happy is being comforted.

I started my day out being stressed. Every morning, as soon as I open my eyes (and maybe press snooze a couple times), my brain starts rolling, like a hamster on his wheel in the middle of the night. Thinking about work, stressing about work. Today was in one sense a fairly easy day, I attended a conference/training for my program. Right before lunch I felt a release of my anxiety and began thinking, "Okay, I can do this. I can take back what they've been talking about, this is great and useful information. With these changes I can keep going." All was well for my lunch break. I ate with my co-workers and made a few phone calls, it was nice to feel some release. Five minutes before the beginning of the second half of the conference, I received a phone call from one of the families that I work with. Immediately I begin to panic and many thoughts sped though my mind, "I didnt know what to do",  "I should be going with them to that school meeting so I know how I can help them", "I cant get ahold of my boss, oh no", "I cant do this, its too much for me."

I made it out alive from the conference, met my fiance for our wedding cake appointment, and went for a one-on-one with another kid that I work with. I also decided to work on cutting our wedding invitations (HARD! NERVE RAKING! INTENSE STING TO MY HEART! (only Matt will understand that one).

As I drove home this beautiful song came on the radio.

I couldn't help but sing out loud ( mind you-I cant hold a note to save my life), and praise my Savior.

I give You my life
I give You my trust
Jesus
You are my God
You are enough
Jesus

My heart is Yours
My heart is Yours
Take it all
Take it all
My life in Your hands

I lay down my life
And take up my cross
Jesus
For You are my God
Whatever the cost
Jesus
For You, Jesus

All to Jesus I surrender
All to You I freely give
I will ever love and trust You
In Your presence I will live

-My Heart Is Yours, Kristian Stanfill

*Lyrics courtesy of klove.com

So what makes me happy? My heart was filled with joy as I sang this song aloud to the Lord. Being comforted by the fact that I am not alone. Jesus is with me. Even though I feel like all of my suffering is suffocating me and I'm on the edge of death, I know that Jesus is with me. Satan is working his hardest to lure me away from the truth spoken from the Father's mouth, but my heart is His. The Lord is being glorified in my suffering. "My grace is sufficient for you. My power works best in weaknesses." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me" 2 Corinthians 12:9.

All to Jesus I surrender

All to you I freely give

A real struggle.

I'm caught in the mix of two competing thoughts. I hate feeling like this. I hate dealing with this, and I don't understand why I am having to go through this.

I have had so many obstacles in my life, just like everyone in the world. None of us are greater, and my hardships in life are no different than most people's, but they are apart of my story and without them I wouldn't be where or who I am today. Divorce, feelings of abandonment, having others put before me, feelings of rejection, and so much more. If my parents hadn't chosen to get a divorce, If I wouldn't have kicked my step-dad at the time in the private and been kicked out, if my dad would have chosen me over his ex-wife, if my parents would have saved money to put me through college, and more....I wouldn't be where I am today.

Each of these trials were strategically placed in my life for a reason. Not to show my strength, but to show the greatness of my Savior, the one who created me and designed me for each of these moments...for this moment. The One who saved me from so much. I could have easily chosen a life of drugs, alcohol, sex, chasing after guys, and God only knows what else. BUT, Jesus chose me, and He appointed me so that I might go and bear fruit, fruit that will last, as exclaimed in John 15:16.

I am caught in a real struggle.

I went to school for 4 1/2 years. I took classes about marriage and family, parent child relationships, human sexuality, family education, and so much more. I absolutely loved them! Not only that, but my mission for 3 of those years was to "help children and their families". And you know whats crazy? I have the opportunity to do that right now. I work with children and their families, to keep children at home and help them and their families learn to be successful and self-sufficient. And I don't like it. I'm not thrilled and excited to go to work everyday like my fiance is, or other people that I went to school with. I'm tired, I'm unconfident of my abilities, and I just feel like I cant.

-VS-

My last year and a half I had the opportunity to work for The Salvation Army Boys and Girls Club. I got to know, play, and build relationships with some awesome kids. Kids that are underprivileged, that don't know where they are going to be sleeping tonight, that don't know when or where they are going to get their next meal, and they only get to spend time with their caregivers/family for a short period of time or no time at all. These kids drove me nuts, they made me mad, but not a day went by that they didn't put a smile on my face. I love and miss those kids SO MUCH. I loved taking care of them every day after school and all day during the summers. I loved teaching them. I loved encouraging them when they were sad, and I loved watching them do kind things for others and really silly things at other times. Those kids also taught me so much. They taught me patience, even though I didnt want to be patient. They taught me to love deeply. They taught me to obey my Heavenly Father, as their lack of obedience to me reflected my disobedience to Him. I love seeing and building relationships with those beautiful faces. I even loved teaching them, even though I never felt like they learned. I miss that so much.

I am stuck. Stuck between continuing to do something that I'm not confident or happy with and doing something that I love and makes my heart pitter-patter.

Not my will but your will be done, Lord. 

Control

I never thought life after college would be this way. In all honesty, I never even though about life after college. My thinking went as far as, "I am going to school to get a degree to work with children and their families," and that is it.

I am a little over 9 months out of school. Almost 10 months into my first job. Every day I have anxiety. Every day I nearly want to cry. Almost every day I want to quit.

I went to school from Pre-K to 12th grade. Went to a small community college and received my Associates Degree in general education. Then transfered to a university (Oklahoma Baptist to be exact) to complete and receive my Bachelors of Arts in Family and Community Services with a minor in Christian Ministry. School has always been my outlet. When things weren't going good at home or in other parts of my life, school was my stability. I was good at it. I didn't need to put my all into to do well, but when I did I excelled.

It. has. caught. up. with. me. 

All my life I have struggled with the need to be "right". My mentality has always been, "its either right or wrong". It was a big struggle throughout college whenever professors would give assignments with nearly unlimited boundaries, I cried and went to each of them for direction because I wanted them to tell me what I should write on. I couldn't handle the greatness of the boundaries.

In my job, I have great boundaries. Its difficult for me because I want to be right. I want to be great at what I do.

The problem is that I evaluate myself and allow my identify to be found in others opinions, my feelings, and things that I do.

God is continuing to work in my heart and He is teaching me so many things. I am so thankful for that. For a God that hears my cries for help, that loves, and has great plans for me. (Even while on the path that I dont understand.)

One thing that God has taught me is that He is in control. That is something that we as Christians knows. But God is in control, He holds everything in His hands, and there is nothing that I can do that will change, mess up, or completely ruin any of His plans. Even if I intentionally TRIED with all my being to ruin something or something, I wouldn't. Coming to know and understand that has been very encouraging and comforting to me in my job.

I've come to realize that I am so selfish, and I dont know what God is doing with me. I dont understand how I've cried out for deliverance from this suffering for awhile now, yet God hasn't done what I want Him to do. How I want Him to deliver me. Just providing another opportunity would be great! But he has greater plans.

I am thankful that He is teaching me because I want to be closer to Him, and I know that He is allowing all of this to go on so that I can be closer to Him.