A real struggle.

I'm caught in the mix of two competing thoughts. I hate feeling like this. I hate dealing with this, and I don't understand why I am having to go through this.

I have had so many obstacles in my life, just like everyone in the world. None of us are greater, and my hardships in life are no different than most people's, but they are apart of my story and without them I wouldn't be where or who I am today. Divorce, feelings of abandonment, having others put before me, feelings of rejection, and so much more. If my parents hadn't chosen to get a divorce, If I wouldn't have kicked my step-dad at the time in the private and been kicked out, if my dad would have chosen me over his ex-wife, if my parents would have saved money to put me through college, and more....I wouldn't be where I am today.

Each of these trials were strategically placed in my life for a reason. Not to show my strength, but to show the greatness of my Savior, the one who created me and designed me for each of these moments...for this moment. The One who saved me from so much. I could have easily chosen a life of drugs, alcohol, sex, chasing after guys, and God only knows what else. BUT, Jesus chose me, and He appointed me so that I might go and bear fruit, fruit that will last, as exclaimed in John 15:16.

I am caught in a real struggle.

I went to school for 4 1/2 years. I took classes about marriage and family, parent child relationships, human sexuality, family education, and so much more. I absolutely loved them! Not only that, but my mission for 3 of those years was to "help children and their families". And you know whats crazy? I have the opportunity to do that right now. I work with children and their families, to keep children at home and help them and their families learn to be successful and self-sufficient. And I don't like it. I'm not thrilled and excited to go to work everyday like my fiance is, or other people that I went to school with. I'm tired, I'm unconfident of my abilities, and I just feel like I cant.

-VS-

My last year and a half I had the opportunity to work for The Salvation Army Boys and Girls Club. I got to know, play, and build relationships with some awesome kids. Kids that are underprivileged, that don't know where they are going to be sleeping tonight, that don't know when or where they are going to get their next meal, and they only get to spend time with their caregivers/family for a short period of time or no time at all. These kids drove me nuts, they made me mad, but not a day went by that they didn't put a smile on my face. I love and miss those kids SO MUCH. I loved taking care of them every day after school and all day during the summers. I loved teaching them. I loved encouraging them when they were sad, and I loved watching them do kind things for others and really silly things at other times. Those kids also taught me so much. They taught me patience, even though I didnt want to be patient. They taught me to love deeply. They taught me to obey my Heavenly Father, as their lack of obedience to me reflected my disobedience to Him. I love seeing and building relationships with those beautiful faces. I even loved teaching them, even though I never felt like they learned. I miss that so much.

I am stuck. Stuck between continuing to do something that I'm not confident or happy with and doing something that I love and makes my heart pitter-patter.

Not my will but your will be done, Lord.