Control

I never thought life after college would be this way. In all honesty, I never even though about life after college. My thinking went as far as, "I am going to school to get a degree to work with children and their families," and that is it.

I am a little over 9 months out of school. Almost 10 months into my first job. Every day I have anxiety. Every day I nearly want to cry. Almost every day I want to quit.

I went to school from Pre-K to 12th grade. Went to a small community college and received my Associates Degree in general education. Then transfered to a university (Oklahoma Baptist to be exact) to complete and receive my Bachelors of Arts in Family and Community Services with a minor in Christian Ministry. School has always been my outlet. When things weren't going good at home or in other parts of my life, school was my stability. I was good at it. I didn't need to put my all into to do well, but when I did I excelled.

It. has. caught. up. with. me. 

All my life I have struggled with the need to be "right". My mentality has always been, "its either right or wrong". It was a big struggle throughout college whenever professors would give assignments with nearly unlimited boundaries, I cried and went to each of them for direction because I wanted them to tell me what I should write on. I couldn't handle the greatness of the boundaries.

In my job, I have great boundaries. Its difficult for me because I want to be right. I want to be great at what I do.

The problem is that I evaluate myself and allow my identify to be found in others opinions, my feelings, and things that I do.

God is continuing to work in my heart and He is teaching me so many things. I am so thankful for that. For a God that hears my cries for help, that loves, and has great plans for me. (Even while on the path that I dont understand.)

One thing that God has taught me is that He is in control. That is something that we as Christians knows. But God is in control, He holds everything in His hands, and there is nothing that I can do that will change, mess up, or completely ruin any of His plans. Even if I intentionally TRIED with all my being to ruin something or something, I wouldn't. Coming to know and understand that has been very encouraging and comforting to me in my job.

I've come to realize that I am so selfish, and I dont know what God is doing with me. I dont understand how I've cried out for deliverance from this suffering for awhile now, yet God hasn't done what I want Him to do. How I want Him to deliver me. Just providing another opportunity would be great! But he has greater plans.

I am thankful that He is teaching me because I want to be closer to Him, and I know that He is allowing all of this to go on so that I can be closer to Him.