The fuel to my fire.

Friday night, Gid spoke to me.

He asked, "what do you think is fueling all of your envy (ouch!)  and dissatisfaction with work, yourself, and everything in between?" 

The first thing that came to my mind....social media. Besides Satan whispering lies to me, nothing fueled me more than scrolling through Facebook and seeing everyone else so happy, giddy, excited about their life, family, work, and everything else they posted about. Sadly, I wasted so much time everyday looking and reading about what was going on in everyone else's life and beating myself up with negative thoughts.

I want what they have. Happiness. Contentment. Smiles. Laughs. Excitement.

Social media has come between God and I. It has hindered me from seeing and enjoying the blessings in my life. I want God, not what other people have. Not materials. And the only way that God can come in is if the idols are destroyed.

"Your love tears me up and when it's done puts me back together" Your Love, Shane and Shane

So, I signed out of Facebook, deleted the app off my iPad, and texted my husband asking him to login and change my password to something that I won't guess. I also decided to delete my instagram because at times it fuels me also.

I had a relaxing day yesterday. I stayed busy most of the day with shopping and cleaning. A few times I grabbed my phone (habitually) to get on Facebook. It wasn't all that difficult, but by the end of the night I was feeling pretty lonely and sad. My husband is currently on a recruiting trip in Central America, and we weren't able to talk much.

Facebook and instagram have been idols in my life for so long. They have fueled so much of my envy and dissatisfaction. Those idols have to be destroyed.

Jesus, I want you. 

Living in discontentment.

For a few months everything seemed back to 'normal'. But really I was just distracted by wedding planning, honeymooning, and the holidays. Those few months were great, and although I am thankful for them, my gratitude has been washed away by all of those crazy feelings streaming back in.

Yes, they are just feelings, but I just can't shake them. Again, I feel like I'm drowning.

I confess.

I confess that I have not been walking with Christ. I've been trying to pull Christ into MY world.

I confess that I've been thinking about myself for so long.

I confess that a lot of the time I look for what I can get out of something and not what I can give to something. (this is t all the time, but still.)

I confess that a lot of times I think "I can't do it."

I confess that "I" don't know what I'm doing.

I confess that I walk away from Jesus on several areas of my life.

I confess.

Living in discontentment. It's no paradise.