Tough seasons.

I haven't posted in such a long time. I really do love writing, but I get so busy and forget. It seems like a pattern in this season of life right now.

My heart is so empty lately. I'm realizing a lot of things about myself, and although I am glad to be learning things about myself, its draining. Difficult times make me weak. I dont like being sad. I'm generally not an optimistic person, I woulds say that I am more of a realist, but this season has me yearning for some good times.

I dont know if I've talked about this before, but I've been struggling in my job for the last year a half. I work as a children's case manager/care coordinatior for a behavioral health organzization. Each day I nearly dread going to work. I feel so inadequate. Working with people in this way is very difficult and emotionally draining. I've developed situational depression along with a lot of anxiety. I never really dealt with this prior to my job. My attitude over the last few months has become so negative. My realist attitude has me very prone to negativity. But over the last few days/week, something has come to my mind.

In the mental health/social services world they talk a lot about "self care." Yeah, for the most part I think we all take care of ourselves. But I've never had to take care of myself in the way that I am learning I need to. You see, school/work has always been my get away. I've always been good at it, an overachiever. Knowing this, it brought me a lot of satisfaction because I got a lot of positive feedback. School/work was my getaway. It was what I turned to whenever things at home or other areas of my life werent great. Also, growing up (and still) my dad was a workaholic. With that example, a strong work ethic was instilled within me. I am very prone to be a workaholic too, I believe.

School/work was something I was always good at and received positive feedback from. School/work is what I found my identify in, you could say. 

I'm realizing more and more that I cannot find my identify in my work. But I keep trying to. If I have a good day at work, I feel good. If I have a bad day at work my entire life is bad, so I feel.

I know that my identify is found in Jesus Christ. He loves me. But its so difficult changing my thinking/mentality. I know that I have to work to change this, otherwise I'm pretty sure that this job is going to kill me.

I also know that I really need to work on finding what I really enjoy in life. School/work has always been what I enjoyed because again, I was always good at it and received positive feedback from. But now that I am an adult, and school is pretty much over with (unless I decide to go back to school for my master degeree, but thats another conversation.) I cant allow work to consume my life like school/work used to. I really want to learn to enjoy life and find joy in all things, even the bad times.

Father,
In this tough season of my life you are refining me. You are the fire, I am the gold. Even though I feel very far away from you and have for a very long time it seems, I know that you are here and you have not left my side. Jesus, please help me to understand that as your child my identity is through you, and you alone. I pray that like Paul, you would help me to learn to be content in all seasons of life. Please help me to come out of this depression and teach me to be joyful. Father, I love you. You are the only constant thing in my life. I know that Satan has been working hard to get me to turn away from, but my faith is in your and my life is your's. Please forgive me for wandering away so many times. I am here, your servant. I am weak, but you are strong. You are made great in my weakness. Even though I do not want to continue going through this season, thank you for drawing me closer to you. In Christ' name I pray. Amen.