My Roots.

Why do I blog? Honestly, I dont have a really good reason other than writing helps me think. There are a ton of thoughts, ideas, random blurb doing on in my head at almost all times of the day. Especially when I lay down to go to sleep at night! 

I just read a great post by Elaine Mingus....(here) And it inspired me. I dont think this whole blogging thing will go anywhere, and thats okay. If nobody reads this....thats okay. This really is just a way for me to get all my thoughts down....maybe free up some space in my head for new things. 

I used to be named Hailea Stewart. However, on November 29, 2014, I made a vow to man and became Hailea Regier. 

Just like anyone else, I have a past. A long history of pain, hurt, sadness, and anger. I still carry some of that with me today, but God continues to work with me through that. Depsite all of that, I know that my parents truly did everything they knew, and to the best of their ability. I cant hold it against them, although I want to....A LOT. Especially my father. I love both of my parents. I love my brother, even though we don't talk often. I love my grandmother who is about to be 74 and quickly losing mobility in her legs. I love my aunt, who has been a great support for me. I love my cousin who is currently at a half way house in Dallas after serving 6 months in a lockdown rehabilitation center and a recovering from a meth addiction. I also love my other cousin who I talk with just about every day on the phone, who provides girl conversations, laughter, and friendship from afar.  I love them all. 

I've been searching and I'm still searching. I just want more out of life. Jesus saved me back in '08, as a emotional, attitude filled teenager. He loved me then and He loves me now. I didn't grow up in a Christian home. I was first introduced to Jesus and the Church around age 7 or 8. We had some friends that went to church and I would go with them, The Sperry family. I went to church almost every Sunday and Wednesday. Thats when Jesus first instill his love for him, I know it. When we moved away at age 9, I didnt go to church anymore because I didnt really know anyone that did. I continued to read my Bible periodically, though. I went through life...doing the typical teenage things I suppose. To make a long, difficult story short...my parents got a divorce when I was 11. Both remarried at didnt stages, I went between both of them severl times beginning in 10th grade and ending in 12th grade. Half way through my 11th grade year, I asked Jesus into my life and publically professed that He is Lord and Savior. 

I went through 4.5 years of college and ended up graudating in Dec '13 with a Bachelors Degree in Family and Community Services. Since then, I have worked as a Care Coordianting, coordianting mental health/physical health for children and their families. The last TWO years of my life have been the most difficult. I have battled and continue to battle depression and anxiety. Feelings of inadequacy. Spreading myself thing. Bitterness. Anger. Tears. Brokenness. 

I want more out of life though. I dont want material things. I dont want money (although who wouldnt?!!?) I want more interally. I want to be more like Jesus. I want to see and be who He says that I am. I want to do whatever Jesus calls me to do.

....

Whats standing in the way? 

Emotions. 

Satan. 

Myself.

Foolishness.

Jesus, you are breaking me. Help me to open my eyes and see through your lens.

The past IS the past. But does it have to be?!

I started school at age 4. So from the time I started, to the time I graduated with my BA, I spent 18 years of my life in school.

There were good times. There were difficult times. And like I said in my last post, I was good at it and it brought me a lot of satisfaction. I knew on graduation day, and the weeks lead up to graduation, that it was going to be difficult for me, but I didnt know HOW difficult.

Without school, I feel like I've lost a part of me. All of my motivation and drive is gone.

When I was sad....I did homework, or something to advance.
When I was mad....I did homework, or something to advance.
When I was bored....I did homework, or something to advance.
When I was happy.....I did homework, or something to advance.

I've expereinced ALL of these emotions amongst MANY MANY more over the past year and a half. But my homework now (which is acutally work) is NOT what I turn to. And I have absolutely NO MOTIVATION to.

I'm just really struggling, and I wish it wasn't this way. I feel like I have nothing left.

Tough seasons.

I haven't posted in such a long time. I really do love writing, but I get so busy and forget. It seems like a pattern in this season of life right now.

My heart is so empty lately. I'm realizing a lot of things about myself, and although I am glad to be learning things about myself, its draining. Difficult times make me weak. I dont like being sad. I'm generally not an optimistic person, I woulds say that I am more of a realist, but this season has me yearning for some good times.

I dont know if I've talked about this before, but I've been struggling in my job for the last year a half. I work as a children's case manager/care coordinatior for a behavioral health organzization. Each day I nearly dread going to work. I feel so inadequate. Working with people in this way is very difficult and emotionally draining. I've developed situational depression along with a lot of anxiety. I never really dealt with this prior to my job. My attitude over the last few months has become so negative. My realist attitude has me very prone to negativity. But over the last few days/week, something has come to my mind.

In the mental health/social services world they talk a lot about "self care." Yeah, for the most part I think we all take care of ourselves. But I've never had to take care of myself in the way that I am learning I need to. You see, school/work has always been my get away. I've always been good at it, an overachiever. Knowing this, it brought me a lot of satisfaction because I got a lot of positive feedback. School/work was my getaway. It was what I turned to whenever things at home or other areas of my life werent great. Also, growing up (and still) my dad was a workaholic. With that example, a strong work ethic was instilled within me. I am very prone to be a workaholic too, I believe.

School/work was something I was always good at and received positive feedback from. School/work is what I found my identify in, you could say. 

I'm realizing more and more that I cannot find my identify in my work. But I keep trying to. If I have a good day at work, I feel good. If I have a bad day at work my entire life is bad, so I feel.

I know that my identify is found in Jesus Christ. He loves me. But its so difficult changing my thinking/mentality. I know that I have to work to change this, otherwise I'm pretty sure that this job is going to kill me.

I also know that I really need to work on finding what I really enjoy in life. School/work has always been what I enjoyed because again, I was always good at it and received positive feedback from. But now that I am an adult, and school is pretty much over with (unless I decide to go back to school for my master degeree, but thats another conversation.) I cant allow work to consume my life like school/work used to. I really want to learn to enjoy life and find joy in all things, even the bad times.

Father,
In this tough season of my life you are refining me. You are the fire, I am the gold. Even though I feel very far away from you and have for a very long time it seems, I know that you are here and you have not left my side. Jesus, please help me to understand that as your child my identity is through you, and you alone. I pray that like Paul, you would help me to learn to be content in all seasons of life. Please help me to come out of this depression and teach me to be joyful. Father, I love you. You are the only constant thing in my life. I know that Satan has been working hard to get me to turn away from, but my faith is in your and my life is your's. Please forgive me for wandering away so many times. I am here, your servant. I am weak, but you are strong. You are made great in my weakness. Even though I do not want to continue going through this season, thank you for drawing me closer to you. In Christ' name I pray. Amen.

The fuel to my fire.

Friday night, Gid spoke to me.

He asked, "what do you think is fueling all of your envy (ouch!)  and dissatisfaction with work, yourself, and everything in between?" 

The first thing that came to my mind....social media. Besides Satan whispering lies to me, nothing fueled me more than scrolling through Facebook and seeing everyone else so happy, giddy, excited about their life, family, work, and everything else they posted about. Sadly, I wasted so much time everyday looking and reading about what was going on in everyone else's life and beating myself up with negative thoughts.

I want what they have. Happiness. Contentment. Smiles. Laughs. Excitement.

Social media has come between God and I. It has hindered me from seeing and enjoying the blessings in my life. I want God, not what other people have. Not materials. And the only way that God can come in is if the idols are destroyed.

"Your love tears me up and when it's done puts me back together" Your Love, Shane and Shane

So, I signed out of Facebook, deleted the app off my iPad, and texted my husband asking him to login and change my password to something that I won't guess. I also decided to delete my instagram because at times it fuels me also.

I had a relaxing day yesterday. I stayed busy most of the day with shopping and cleaning. A few times I grabbed my phone (habitually) to get on Facebook. It wasn't all that difficult, but by the end of the night I was feeling pretty lonely and sad. My husband is currently on a recruiting trip in Central America, and we weren't able to talk much.

Facebook and instagram have been idols in my life for so long. They have fueled so much of my envy and dissatisfaction. Those idols have to be destroyed.

Jesus, I want you. 

Living in discontentment.

For a few months everything seemed back to 'normal'. But really I was just distracted by wedding planning, honeymooning, and the holidays. Those few months were great, and although I am thankful for them, my gratitude has been washed away by all of those crazy feelings streaming back in.

Yes, they are just feelings, but I just can't shake them. Again, I feel like I'm drowning.

I confess.

I confess that I have not been walking with Christ. I've been trying to pull Christ into MY world.

I confess that I've been thinking about myself for so long.

I confess that a lot of the time I look for what I can get out of something and not what I can give to something. (this is t all the time, but still.)

I confess that a lot of times I think "I can't do it."

I confess that "I" don't know what I'm doing.

I confess that I walk away from Jesus on several areas of my life.

I confess.

Living in discontentment. It's no paradise. 

Overwhelmed.

I feel like everything in my life is out of control. This in turn makes me feel stressed and pressured, and then I become overwhelmed with needing to control everything outside of me. 

 

While eveything inside of me gets worse and worse, more out of control. 

Something more.

Is it crazy to think that my misery and all other emotions attached to my current struggles in my job are a call to something else? Something more? Something that hasnt been revealed to me yet.

I just dont know. And that absolutely bothers me to no end, and I know that God knows that. 

I am so worn. I have no energy to put forth. And I weigh of the side of depression. I feel so stuck, like Im in a sea of uncertainty and I'm drowning. My soul is dried up, I'm empty.

One thing is for sure though: I will not give up on my Savior. Daily I am undeserving of His love. Yet, even through my sin and struggles He is here. I just know it. And I have faith that whatever it is that He isnt letting me in on He is working on it, and He will make Himself great. 

I dont understand any of this. Yes, I have struggled with confidence and a negative image of myself as far back as I can remember. But I have not ever felt as down and dreadful as I have over the last 8 months, or even 3-4 weeks. 

Jealousy wrecks havoc on me as I see so many of my close friends loving and enjoying what they do. They look forward to work. They love planning for and going out of their way to prepare themselves for their tasks. Come on, people, lets get real here. I am not the only person with these feelings and thoughts, even though Satan is telling me that I am. Satan just wants me to be alone. He just wants me to isolate myself because He knows: "For where two or three have gathered together in My name, I am there in their midst" Matthew 18:20

Jesus, how do I go on? I will continue to go on. Please make my heart sensitive, my eyes to see, and my ears to hear the leadings of your Spirit. My faith is in You, Christ. Nothing is too big or too small.