GOODBYE & LAST DIAPERS.

Thursday December 22, 2016

The alarm clock went off this morning indicating the day has arrived in which we must say goodbye. After showering I asked my husband, "Would you like to have the honor of changing the last diaper?" He sweetly replied, "No, you can do it." Mainly because he knew it was going to be a stinky one.

The Lord & that precious baby have a great sense of humor. 

I carried the baby from the bedroom into the living room and laid her on the floor---actually on our favorite memory foam rug in the middle of the living room. As I started to change her diaper I noticed that the poop had gone up the back of her diaper, and then realized it had gotten on the rug. "Get the tuff stuff! Poop got on the rug!" I yelled to my husband. As he came in to start cleaning the rug, I proceeded to continue to clean the baby and put a new diaper on her. Then, while putting a new diaper on, the baby went on to pee all over the new diaper. She hasn't peed while we changed her diaper in MONTHS! So I put another new diaper on her. I finished and she was set. I kept her laying on the floor, on the rug, in the middle of the living room because I had to use the bathroom. I re-enter the living room not even 5 minutes later to find the baby laying next to POOP ON THE RUG. It seemed as though the poop shot up the front of her diaper. "Oh my, Matt, come look at this!" I yelled to my husband again. He got the cleaning supplies again, and her and I made a B line for the bathroom so she could get a quick bath and ANOTHER new diaper. I still don't understand how that happened.

When I woke up this morning, I thought I would change one last diaper,

I didn't know I would get to change THREE. 

~~~~~~~~

Okay. Enough about poop. 

I'm so thankful for the community of people that Matt and I get to call our's. Even more, we serve a mighty and loving God. A good, good Father. I've been fervently praying for peace and our community was praying the same. The Lord graciously answered all of the prayers as I've had so much peace the last couple of days. 

This morning when I woke up was the same. The peace that surpasses all understanding guarded my heart and mind (Philippians 4:7). Getting into the car brought on all kind of unsettling emotions...

Irritation. 

Nerves. 

Heart Pounding.  

But the time came, and A went to her to dad. It wasn't easy, but it was good.

On one hand I am doing better than I thought I would, but on the other than this is a lot harder than I had expected. From day one, May 23, we knew that she would only be with us temporarily. But even knowing that doesn't make her not being with us any easier. Knowing that didn't prepare us for the farewell.  This is hard, people. Loss is hard. Grief is hard. And whats more is that there isn't anything anyone can do or say that is going to make it any easier. Only time will heal my heart. I gave my heart. I gave my everything. I loved so much it hurts. That little girl changed my life. She brought so much joy and light into my life, and I know she will do that for her family and every person that she comes into contact with.

One chapter of our foster care journey has ended, and oh boy was it an amazing chapter.

~~~~~~~~

The Next Day

It has been well over 24 hours since we last saw A. I've reached the stage where so many things remind me of her. I had a hard time walking by the baby section at Target today. Oh, and I've lost track of the number of times I've called my MIL's cat by her name. After having her with me for 7 months, its going to take some time getting used to being without her.

My encouragement to you other foster mommas out there that are grieving over your foster child going back with their biological family or just being moved in general, hold tight to The Lord & His calling on your life to take in the orphans (James 1:27), and know that you did the right thing. It was right and good for you and I to love the babies, to love them so much it hurts. It was right and good for you and I to open up our heart and our home and to take care and love them like our own. The Lord has a plan for their life, and He is the only one that knows its course.

The children belong to the Lord, that's comforting.

My encouragement to friends & family of foster parents out there is to love the people that foster these kids. Pray for them. And do your best to first understand how emotional and hard these times are for them before you tell them, "it will be alright." That phrase it probably very damaging, because lets be real....WE ALL KNOW ITS GOING TO BE ALRIGHT. We have all dealt with and lived through some very hard times, so we know that these difficult times are only temporary. Just love us, tell us jokes and makes us laugh, and send us lots of cute & funny emojis.

Knowing that we have a supportive community behind us, that's comforting.  

If by chance you are a biological parent and your child has been placed into foster care, my encouragement to you is to keep working hard for your child. The work you put forth and the decisions that you made in order to get your child back were difficult, but you did it. Love your child so deep. Please know and understand that the families taking care of your children are not against you, even though it can seem that way. Please also know and understand that they loved your child deeply, and although they are sad to see your child leave their home they are happy to see your child being with you. If you can, give updates on the child and how the transition it going, and know that you can talk to them about it because bridging goes beyond pre-reunification. 

Knowing that your child was deeply loved and cared for, that's comforting. 

May the Lord bless you and keep you; 

the Lord make His face shine on you and be gracious to you; 

the Lord turn His face toward you and give you peace. Numbers 6:24-26

A CALL TO FOSTER.

I did not hear the depths of the Lord's voice say in the midst of my wondering, 

"Hailea, I want you to be a foster parent!" 

Nope, unfortunately it didn't happen that way...at least I didn't hear it with my ears.

I heard it with my heart. 

There are several reason why Matt and I chose to become foster parents. Matt was inspired as a kid when he had several friends who were in foster care. The Lord laid it on my heart in college. We are financially stable. We have a great support system. We both love kids. Oh, and we have TWO extra bedrooms that aren't being used! However, one reason resonated deeply in my soul, and continues to this day.

Before Matt and I got married we both agreed that if we were ready for marriage then we should be ready for children. I was good with that. He was good with that. So we went into marriage with the possibility of children in the back of our minds (hint hint☺). I didnt necessarily want to have kids immediately, but I wasn't closed off to the idea. Actually, deep down I hoped that we would get pregnant immediately. But month after month after month, nothing happened. No signs of pregnancy. I also knew deep down that something was up, that something was hindering me from getting pregnant. I knew I would need to see a doctor. Still, I held on, hoping and praying that we would suddenly be expecting.

When pregnancy wasn't happening, we discussed foster care. We agreed that at the end of the year, and one year of marriage, if we hadn't become pregnant then we would start the process to become foster parents.

On November 29, 2015 we celebrated our one year anniversary. 

Still, we weren't pregnant.

I was disappointed, discouraged, and starting to become angry. 

I prayed several times, pleading with God for a baby. I even questioned Him asking, "Why do you allow the women who dont even want kids to get pregnant so easily? The ones who dont really want to take care of them, who dont care about parenting? They pop 'em out like candy! But those of us who acutally want kids and want to be good parents struggle?"

His answer came in the form of a song.

Do something by Matthew West

The Lord said to my heart, "I created people like you to take care of
 those children who parents can't take care of them."

That was my call to foster.
And all I needed.

We sent in our interest form, picked our agency, and started the process right after Christmas. 

Then, after...

Gobs & gobs of paperwork.

Background checks.

References. 

Fingerprints. 

A home study.

And numerous hours of training...

We were approved on March 18, 2016 for placement.  

He called, I answered. 

The Lord hasn't filled my womb with babies, but He has for sure filled my heart with them.❤

http://sweethoneytothesoul.tumblr.com/

9 months.

Its amazing at the amount of things that can happen in just 9 months. 

| A new life is created & birthed into this world|

| A loved one is diagnosed with cancer and comes to the end of his life|

| The happiest of times, the saddest of times|

The last time I wrote was 9 months ago. I've thought so many times about writing, but didn't. A lot has happened in those 9 months and I'm ready to share my journey and continue to share this ministry with you. 

I've been happy, I've been sad.

I've been content, I've been angry. 

I've learned to love and to love deep. 

I've learned to feel. 

The day after my last post we had a year 7 year old boy come live with us. He was with us for almost 3 months. It was good and it was hard. It was an experience that I'm thankful for. I admit, it wasn't hard to see him go. It was however, a joy to see him happy to start a new chapter with his family. We knew that we made a difference in his life as he sat quiet with sadness on his face the last few hours he was with us. When asked what he was thinking, he replied, "I'm happy to go, but I dont want to hurt yall's feelings." Its ok, little guy, we will be fine. And with that he walked out our door excitedly greeting his older sister, without saying goodbye. 

A couple week prior to this event was the start of a new journey. A journey that we were excited about, yet was so foreign to us. 

She was precious. 

A tiny 5lbs.

 And she came with a smile on her face at only 4 days old.

She is almost 7 months old now. Just under 15 pounds. From barley eating 1oz of formula to now eating 6oz of formula plus 1-2 jars of baby food. Preemie diapers to size 3. All that growth, yet her petite body can still rock size 0-3 month clothes.

This little girl isn't the only thing that has grown over the last 7 months. She has helped me to grow so much as well. She has shown me that I can love. That I can get attached & its okay. 

Our days are drawing an end. As my heart is shattering into a thousand pieces and prepares to shatter into thousands more, I'm learning to embrace & enjoy these sweet moments. I've never loved as deep as I have over the last 6.5 months. My prayer is that you will be captivated by the love of Jesus and that I will be able to see you again in heaven one day. I'm so thankful to be apart of your story. I love you, sugar/shoogs/shoogies.💕

Instagram @h4il3a

A new chapter!

So much has been going on in the Regier household. So many emotions woven in. So, I'll just cut to the chase and explain later.

Right after Christmas, Matt and I started going through the process to become foster parents. We've been wanting to foster since before we got married, however some people told us we needed to be married for 1 year before they would approve us. Negative. But I'm so glad that we decided to wait!

We filled out all of our paperwork, got fingerprints done, background checks came back clear, and our home study was complete.

Five weeks ago we made the decision that I would stay home to be with the kiddo(s) as well as work on going back to school. So, as difficult as it was, I gave a 5 week notice at my job. Last Friday was my last day, and this week is my first week without working.

My heart was sad yesterday because although I'm getting over bronchitis and a bruised rib, we didn't get any phone calls. BUT THEN. But then at about 6:45, we got a call!

Our kiddo will be coming this morning😊

My the Lord guide us through this, love Him, and allow us to make a difference in his life.

My Roots.

Why do I blog? Honestly, I dont have a really good reason other than writing helps me think. There are a ton of thoughts, ideas, random blurb doing on in my head at almost all times of the day. Especially when I lay down to go to sleep at night! 

I just read a great post by Elaine Mingus....(here) And it inspired me. I dont think this whole blogging thing will go anywhere, and thats okay. If nobody reads this....thats okay. This really is just a way for me to get all my thoughts down....maybe free up some space in my head for new things. 

I used to be named Hailea Stewart. However, on November 29, 2014, I made a vow to man and became Hailea Regier. 

Just like anyone else, I have a past. A long history of pain, hurt, sadness, and anger. I still carry some of that with me today, but God continues to work with me through that. Depsite all of that, I know that my parents truly did everything they knew, and to the best of their ability. I cant hold it against them, although I want to....A LOT. Especially my father. I love both of my parents. I love my brother, even though we don't talk often. I love my grandmother who is about to be 74 and quickly losing mobility in her legs. I love my aunt, who has been a great support for me. I love my cousin who is currently at a half way house in Dallas after serving 6 months in a lockdown rehabilitation center and a recovering from a meth addiction. I also love my other cousin who I talk with just about every day on the phone, who provides girl conversations, laughter, and friendship from afar.  I love them all. 

I've been searching and I'm still searching. I just want more out of life. Jesus saved me back in '08, as a emotional, attitude filled teenager. He loved me then and He loves me now. I didn't grow up in a Christian home. I was first introduced to Jesus and the Church around age 7 or 8. We had some friends that went to church and I would go with them, The Sperry family. I went to church almost every Sunday and Wednesday. Thats when Jesus first instill his love for him, I know it. When we moved away at age 9, I didnt go to church anymore because I didnt really know anyone that did. I continued to read my Bible periodically, though. I went through life...doing the typical teenage things I suppose. To make a long, difficult story short...my parents got a divorce when I was 11. Both remarried at didnt stages, I went between both of them severl times beginning in 10th grade and ending in 12th grade. Half way through my 11th grade year, I asked Jesus into my life and publically professed that He is Lord and Savior. 

I went through 4.5 years of college and ended up graudating in Dec '13 with a Bachelors Degree in Family and Community Services. Since then, I have worked as a Care Coordianting, coordianting mental health/physical health for children and their families. The last TWO years of my life have been the most difficult. I have battled and continue to battle depression and anxiety. Feelings of inadequacy. Spreading myself thing. Bitterness. Anger. Tears. Brokenness. 

I want more out of life though. I dont want material things. I dont want money (although who wouldnt?!!?) I want more interally. I want to be more like Jesus. I want to see and be who He says that I am. I want to do whatever Jesus calls me to do.

....

Whats standing in the way? 

Emotions. 

Satan. 

Myself.

Foolishness.

Jesus, you are breaking me. Help me to open my eyes and see through your lens.

The past IS the past. But does it have to be?!

I started school at age 4. So from the time I started, to the time I graduated with my BA, I spent 18 years of my life in school.

There were good times. There were difficult times. And like I said in my last post, I was good at it and it brought me a lot of satisfaction. I knew on graduation day, and the weeks lead up to graduation, that it was going to be difficult for me, but I didnt know HOW difficult.

Without school, I feel like I've lost a part of me. All of my motivation and drive is gone.

When I was sad....I did homework, or something to advance.
When I was mad....I did homework, or something to advance.
When I was bored....I did homework, or something to advance.
When I was happy.....I did homework, or something to advance.

I've expereinced ALL of these emotions amongst MANY MANY more over the past year and a half. But my homework now (which is acutally work) is NOT what I turn to. And I have absolutely NO MOTIVATION to.

I'm just really struggling, and I wish it wasn't this way. I feel like I have nothing left.

Tough seasons.

I haven't posted in such a long time. I really do love writing, but I get so busy and forget. It seems like a pattern in this season of life right now.

My heart is so empty lately. I'm realizing a lot of things about myself, and although I am glad to be learning things about myself, its draining. Difficult times make me weak. I dont like being sad. I'm generally not an optimistic person, I woulds say that I am more of a realist, but this season has me yearning for some good times.

I dont know if I've talked about this before, but I've been struggling in my job for the last year a half. I work as a children's case manager/care coordinatior for a behavioral health organzization. Each day I nearly dread going to work. I feel so inadequate. Working with people in this way is very difficult and emotionally draining. I've developed situational depression along with a lot of anxiety. I never really dealt with this prior to my job. My attitude over the last few months has become so negative. My realist attitude has me very prone to negativity. But over the last few days/week, something has come to my mind.

In the mental health/social services world they talk a lot about "self care." Yeah, for the most part I think we all take care of ourselves. But I've never had to take care of myself in the way that I am learning I need to. You see, school/work has always been my get away. I've always been good at it, an overachiever. Knowing this, it brought me a lot of satisfaction because I got a lot of positive feedback. School/work was my getaway. It was what I turned to whenever things at home or other areas of my life werent great. Also, growing up (and still) my dad was a workaholic. With that example, a strong work ethic was instilled within me. I am very prone to be a workaholic too, I believe.

School/work was something I was always good at and received positive feedback from. School/work is what I found my identify in, you could say. 

I'm realizing more and more that I cannot find my identify in my work. But I keep trying to. If I have a good day at work, I feel good. If I have a bad day at work my entire life is bad, so I feel.

I know that my identify is found in Jesus Christ. He loves me. But its so difficult changing my thinking/mentality. I know that I have to work to change this, otherwise I'm pretty sure that this job is going to kill me.

I also know that I really need to work on finding what I really enjoy in life. School/work has always been what I enjoyed because again, I was always good at it and received positive feedback from. But now that I am an adult, and school is pretty much over with (unless I decide to go back to school for my master degeree, but thats another conversation.) I cant allow work to consume my life like school/work used to. I really want to learn to enjoy life and find joy in all things, even the bad times.

Father,
In this tough season of my life you are refining me. You are the fire, I am the gold. Even though I feel very far away from you and have for a very long time it seems, I know that you are here and you have not left my side. Jesus, please help me to understand that as your child my identity is through you, and you alone. I pray that like Paul, you would help me to learn to be content in all seasons of life. Please help me to come out of this depression and teach me to be joyful. Father, I love you. You are the only constant thing in my life. I know that Satan has been working hard to get me to turn away from, but my faith is in your and my life is your's. Please forgive me for wandering away so many times. I am here, your servant. I am weak, but you are strong. You are made great in my weakness. Even though I do not want to continue going through this season, thank you for drawing me closer to you. In Christ' name I pray. Amen.